Brilliant Video On How To Parent A Defiant Child.

Tweet

I reckon the people at Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic must know a thing or two about parenting a defiant child ! This unit is headed by Dr.Alan Kazdin who has also written a book on the subject.

His overall approach is based on the principle that children learn from OUR behavior, so if we react to bad behavior by screaming or yelling, then that is not a good model for our children and our reaction will backfire and we will never be able to parent a defiant child. Our aim is to get the child to show respect and comply with our wishes. Watch the video below just to get a sample of what is involved in parenting skills and how behavior modification techniques such as these can make all the difference.

Defiant Child ?

Child Behavior Programs - How To Choose

Tweet

How do you choose a child behavior program ? What sort of questions should you be asking before you buy This video guides you through the process and tells what to look out for.

How To Motivate Your Child

Tweet

How do you set about getting a child to be motivated so that going back to school will not be so traumatic this year ? Motivation is one of the big child behavior problems and the article sets out very clearly what you can do to get results.

Motivating Underachievers II:
Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts

by James Lehman, MSW

In Part II of Motivating Underachievers, James explains what you can do to get your child on track before school starts—and how you can motivate them to do their school work during the year.

"I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about 'Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.'"

For a teen-ager, there are many ways to say “screw you” to your parents. And for underachieving kids, being motivated to do nothing is one of those ways. I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about “Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.” And when kids develop that kind of attitude, many times there's a lot of stuff going on in their lives which overwhelms them. Resisting their parents’ expectations is one way that they can feel like they’re in control. For these children and teens, the path to power becomes a game of withholding and resisting, and they often sink under the waves at school. The sad part is that this game only works until they’re young adults—and then no one else will be willing to play it with them.

What to Say to Kids Who Had a Bad Year Last Year

For the kids who had a hard time in school the previous year, parents should be talking to them about what they learned from that hard time. After all, we're supposed to learn from difficulty. While this talk should ideally happen at the end of the school year, you can still have this conversation now. (Be prepared for the fact that kids will often deny that it was that bad a year—that’s why it’s good to have the conversation while the year is still fresh in their mind, in the spring.)

Before school starts and when things are going well, sit down with your child, and say, “Look, there's something that I think would be helpful to talk about. What did you learn from what you went through last year? I'm not criticizing, but what did you learn?” And then the follow up question should be, “And what will you do differently this year?” Not what they'll say differently. “What will you do differently to stay on top of your grades,” or “What will you do differently to get along better with your classmates or with the teachers? Let’s pick one thing you can do right now from day one that will help you move in that direction.”

When kids stumble and fall, I think our goal is to always ask what they're going to do differently and what they’ve learned. When my son would fail a test, I would say, “What did you learn from this? And what are you going to do differently?” These questions talk about the future and get the child to think about what they will do to change the outcome. I looked at it this way: the test was over, and he failed it. That was the natural consequence. I didn't need to make speeches at him or blame him, because that’s not an effective way to get change. I was interested in what he was going to do so he would pass the next test.

The whole coaching and teaching role is about, “What did you learn from this, what are you going to do differently, how can I help you with those skills?” Sometimes what your child is going to do differently is do his homework at the kitchen table so somebody is there to make sure that he does it. Sometimes it's going to be studying with a friend. But you always want concrete answers to what your child's going to do differently, whenever they have a hard time and whenever they slip up.

If they don't come through with any ideas or say, “I don’t know,” you should make some suggestions and have them pick one. Certainly, you can try to reason with them. But there's nothing wrong with saying, “I want to see your homework every day till you pass the next test.” Or “I want your door open when you do the homework until you pass the next test.” It’s OK to lay that down on them so that the accountability becomes more personal. But first, you give them a chance. That way, the next time you have this talk with them, your child will know what's going on. He'll have the script, he'll know what he's supposed to say and do.

6 Things You Can Do to Get Your Kids back on Track before School Starts:

Start Waking up Early: A week before school starts, have all your kids use their alarms and wake up at the time they’ll be getting up during the school year. They should wash their face, brush their teeth and come out and have breakfast. Afterward, they can go back to sleep, start their day—whatever they normally do. What you want to get them used to is doing their hygiene at a certain time, getting dressed at a certain time and showing up in the kitchen in time to make your school bus or their ride.

Start Having an Hour of Quiet Time at Night. Have quiet time at night if you don't already have it. This will become part of their homework time. But for now, let them read a book, comics, or magazines. What they do in quiet time is not as important as the fact that there's no electronics—including cell phones and texting—during this time.

Stop Allowing Your Teen to Go out at Night During the Week: For older kids, about a week before school, they should not be able to go out at night. They have to get back into their school schedule, which means saying, “No going out to socialize after dinner, you have to stay home.” So your child will get used to being home at night. Over the summer, teen-agers tend to get more and more freedom. That's just a natural process, especially if they're older teens. What you want to do is get them to gravitate toward the home, which is one of the centers of their educational life. You go to school from home; you go to sports activities from home; you do your homework at home. In the summer, “outside the home” becomes the focus. Whether it's day camp or camping out with your friends by the lake for four days, the focus is outside of the home. This is good, but now kids need to be brought back in.

Don't be surprised if your child or teen resists this. Let’s face it, it's hard to get back on track. Picture yourself coming back from vacation, and think of how hard it can be to get back in the groove at work. You will probably hear your child make excuses like, “It's not school yet, I'm still on vacation.” That may be true, but I think you want to say to them very clearly, “You need to get back on track. And once you do these things, if you stay home after dinner, you can do what you want except for that hour of quiet time. And after you get up in the morning, you can do what you want after we meet in the kitchen. You can have breakfast, go back to bed, go hang with your friends.”

Remember, Rehearsaland Repetition prepare children for their responsibilities. Intellectualizing doesn't work. Preaching doesn't work. Philosophizing doesn't work. What works is the concrete tasks of rehearsal and repetition. That’s true for all kids—and even more so for teenagers.

Keep Track of Your Child’s Assignments: Have your child’s teacher email you his homework assignments or have him carry an assignment book back and forth, so that there's communication between you and the school. You should know exactly what your child has to do that night. And then you should set up some kind of reward system when he does it.

Consider Rewarding Your Child for Good Grades: If my son got all A's and B’s, he was rewarded with some cash. If he didn't, he didn't get punished; he just didn't get the money. We didn’t threaten him or anything; it was just a standing thing in our home. When my son didn't do well on the test, I asked him, “So what are you going to do differently next time?” That's what you have to do with underachievers. “What'd you learn from this?” They might say, “I don't know, I didn't learn anything.” And then you can say, “Well, I'd like you to learn that maybe you should've studied more. Or maybe you should've studied with a friend.” In fact, sometimes studying with another child helps your child get motivated. Nothing motivates kids like studying with other kids—nothing. In my opinion, well-managed study groups are very helpful.

Have Your Child Earn the Right to Study on His Own: You can also motivate your child to succeed by having them earn rights around the house. “When you get all B's and above, you can go to your room and do your homework. But as long as you have C's and B's, you will not study in your room. More than one C and you're down here.” It's completely dealt with that way. So in order to function more independently, your child has to achieve. He just doesn't get to go to his room and do his homework by himself—he has to be near a parent at all times.

Natural Consequences: Let me be clear: failure is a part of life. By the time kids hit their teenage years, they're sick of failure. But failure is just one of the things that they encounter all along the way, from the time they're two years old to when they're 17. Believe me, kids know when they've failed, they understand what that means. I personally believe that you have to let your child experience natural consequences. This means you should let them fail that year in school or let them fail that subject. If that still doesn't motivate them or if it adds to their lack of motivation, that's when you have to seek professional help.

Why are Smart or “Gifted” Kids Sometimes Underachievers?

Gifted is a funny word. People throw it around a lot these days, and parents cling to it because they crave it. But gifted is as gifted does. In other words, gifts are not gifts until you use them to accomplish something. There may be wonderful gifted painters in the world, but we see DaVinci's work. There may be wonderful, gifted actors, but we see DeNiro's body of work. We see people who have used their gifts and worked hard to create something. Maybe DaVinci and DeNiro were gifted, but they also worked their butts off to produce their accomplishments.

If they told me that my son was gifted, that would not be good news for me unless he was performing. If your child is doing well and they actually tell you he's gifted, great. But if he's not performing and they tell you he's gifted, they're telling you that something's wrong. What they’re telling you is, “He understands what's going on and he's making the non-constructive choice not to do it.” And that's not good news. Also, I would caution parents not to get confused by words like gifted and smart; that's how you're being misdirected. I think that when the school says your child is gifted, sometimes what they’re saying is, “We don’t want to take any responsibility. He's smart enough to do this himself.”

I believe that while sometimes we're too stingy with praise, we’re sometimes too quick to give it. Sometimes we're too quick to say “That's a great job” instead of saying, “I see you’re trying harder. That's cool.” We’re too quick to label a child gifted without giving him the right kind of help. I recommend not to give kids things as if they're completely accomplished in life. Always talk about their progress.

When you’re working with teenagers who are underachievers, it’s hard to sit down and have these conversations sometimes. Believe me, I know it is hard work to talk with teenagers. But you have to do things that are hard if you're a parent; there are no shortcuts. We need to be coaches, teachers and limit setters for our children if we want them to succeed in life. Coaching your child to do better is one of the key ways to become a more effective parent. Always remember, the goal is not to become a good parent—and it’s not even to avoid being a bad parent. Rather, the goal is to become a more effective parent. That’s not ever an easy task, but the goal is extremely worthwhile.

---

Motivating Underachievers II: Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

---

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?pcode=affiliate0298&utm_medium=webaffl&utm_source=affiliate0298&dsource=sas&utm_campaign=160

Child Behavior Problem- How To Cope With Silence

Tweet

Sometimes child behavior problems manifest themselves in kids just not talking to you and giving you the silent treatment. How do you cope ? How do you react ? Here is a great article by James Lehman which gives you the way out to solve this particular child behavior problem.

Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment?
6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk

by James Lehman, MSW

Kids use the silent treatment as a way to freeze you out, to get you to leave them alone, and to push your buttons. What most parents don’t realize is that under the surface, something else is going on: the silent treatment is giving your child a feeling of power and control over you.

Here's the simple truth: when you stop responding to the silent treatment, it will die by neglect—and that’s exactly what you want.

What's behind your child’s thinking? Usually they’re angry or embarrassed. In fact, often you'll get the silent treatment when your child has done something wrong and knows it. They use the silent treatment to blackmail you emotionally. The hard part for parents is that the more you make an issue of it or act like it's painful or annoying to you, the more your child is going to use it to get to you.

I think it’s important for you to realize that if your child gives you the silent treatment, that's probably the best problem-solving skill he has at that moment. Simply put, he’s trying to deal with whatever issue is at hand by using this passive aggressive behavior. And by withholding information or thoughts, he has found a way of getting the upper hand. This type of passive aggressive behavior is very destructive in relationships later in life—and it’s definitely a pattern that you don't want to give in to and reward in your child.

The First Rule: Don't Take It Personally

I think many parents take the silent treatment personally. After all, it's designed to make you feel powerless as a parent—and parents hate that feeling. Just remember that there's more power in responding to it the right way than there is in getting into an ego struggle with your child. Avoiding getting into a fight with your child always gives you more control than engaging in it does.

Kids really do need to learn to deal with their problems appropriately and take responsibility. And as a parent, you have to let them grow up. If you keep letting the silent treatment affect you by giving in to your child so they’ll be “nice” and talk to you, then you're falling into the martyr trap. Giving in to them gives them the wrong message.

I believe that one of the lessons kids have to learn as they grow up is what their “right size” is. Your child’s right size is that he’s a human being, and not some huge giant who can control you by withholding. If he’s an adolescent, his right size is that he’s a teen struggling with things that ten million other kids are struggling with. Your role as a parent is to say, “We'll help you as much as we can, but don't take it out on us.” And if you give your kids too much power, you're missing the point—and they’re missing out on a valuable lesson.

The Second Rule: Give Your Child a Clear Message

I think it's very important that you give your child a clear message when he gives you the silent treatment. You should say, “Not responding to me is not going to solve your problem. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here.” And here's the important part: “Until then, no cell phone use.” Or, “Until we talk, no electronics.” That way, your child has a motivation to talk and to solve the problem. And you're not pressing him or pushing him. Once you make that statement, go on about your business. Don't let it be a big deal or a stumbling block. Believe me, if you don't give the behavior power, you're going to be a lot better off in the long run.

The Third Rule: Reach Out Once, Then Leave Your Child Be

I think it’s fine if you want to check in and reach out to your child if they’re still not talking to you. In our family, my wife would do that with our son, but I didn’t. I always felt that my son didn't need two of me and he didn't need two of his mother. He needed one of each of us; that was the balance that worked. Personally, I would urge you not to reach out to your child more than once after you’ve made your statement regarding his lack of communication. Going to your child and pleading with him to talk gives him too much power— and lets him know very clearly that his withholding of communication is getting to you.

By the way, if the silent treatment is a chronic problem with your child, I would suggest that you not reach out at all. Just remind him that his unwillingness to talk is not solving his problem and that you'd love to speak with him when he’s ready—and that you’ll hang onto his cell phone until he is. Try to say this with a look on your face that's pleasant. Remember, kids get a lot of your message from the look on your face. When my son was growing up, I would always try to wear an expression that said, “Everything's okay.” At the group home where I worked with behaviorally disordered kids, I never gave in to the urge to yell. I wouldn't blame or point the finger at them. I'd be just as nice as pie, no matter how frustrated I felt at times. I’d say, “All right, when you're ready, we'll talk about it. And until then, no electronics. This will give you some time to think.” And then I’d leave and let them tell me when they were ready to talk. That way, I had the control but they got to decide when they wanted to speak.

The Fourth Rule: Give Your Child Motivation to Comply

Here’s the simple truth: when you stop responding to the silent treatment, it will die by neglect—and that’s exactly what you want. Believe me, kids will get out of the habit of freezing you out if it's not rewarding. And if they want to get something back that they value, they will talk, so always give them motivation to comply.

By the way, if your child agrees to speak with you, but then starts balking, tell him, “Look, if you're not ready to sit down and talk with me, then let's not do it now. Calm down and wait till you’re ready. But until then, no electronics.” So there's some incentive for your child to comply, and you’re also giving him a choice.

Remember, our primary goal as parents is to get kids to comply. The assumption behind this statement is that you have a “good enough” family and home. “Good enough” meaning: all the child’s basic needs are being met. The parents are not abusive to their kids and they don't let their kids abuse each other. There's support for school and schoolwork, there's an interest in how the child is doing and how they're learning. If you have that kind of structure in your home, you certainly do have a right to ask your kids to comply with your rules. Some psychotherapists might not say that you have that right, but I believe you do—and if you don't get compliance, then that should be your goal. Your child doesn't have to like it, and that’s OK. Let’s face it, he's not going to like everything you do as a parent, even when you have his best interests in mind.

The Fifth Rule: Don’t Go to Your Child’s Level

I don't believe that you should ever go to your child's level when it comes to inappropriate behavior. If their best shot at trying to solve a problem is to give you the silent treatment, I don't think you should respond to their broken problem-solving skills by doing the same thing. Similarly, if your child screams at you, screaming back won't solve the problem for either of you. The idea is not to fight fire with fire, but to try something else that’s more effective.

Remember, we don't want to start fights—and when one starts, we want to get out as quickly as possible. Going to your child’s level almost always results in a fight. And you simply cannot win when you're fighting with someone who has nothing to lose. If you give your child the silent treatment in response to his lack of communication, you’re essentially engaging in a fight with him.

The Sixth Rule: Make Participation in Family Life a Requirement

Adolescents go through a stage where they develop a kind of contempt for family living—and they show it. Teens who are better-behaved will be more passive about it. Often they’ll shrug, roll their eyes and say “whatever.” They’re not really being aggressive or abusive, but they’re not engaging with you, either. If you have an adolescent who is acting that way but is still complying with the house rules, I recommend that you just leave it alone.

Now if you want everybody to come to dinner every night, then you have to make that a rule. I think it’s great if your family can do that, but many families can't manage it, and I understand: everybody's working, going to school, doing sports—it's crazy. But if you decide you want to have a sit down dinner every Sunday, for example, require your adolescent child to be there. Expect them to stay for the whole meal. Let them sit there, make faces and say “whatever.” It doesn't matter—just ignore that kind of thing. Again, you don’t want to give those little annoying behaviors power over you or your kids will use them to try to push your buttons. If the behavior becomes more obnoxious, speak with them about it privately and give consequences if they still don’t comply.

So if there's a basic family function, I'd have your child participate. If he's not respectful, I would hold him accountable for that by giving him a consequence. It's his responsibility to behave appropriately. You have the right as a parent to have him comply with that.

Here’s the bottom line: If you don't give the silent treatment any power, your child will stop using it because it doesn't get them anywhere. If you make the mistake of giving it power over you, any time your child is frustrated, angry, or upset with you—or encounters a problem they can't deal with—they'll rely on that silent treatment to get their needs met. Instead, you have to coach and teach your child by saying, “Refusing to talk to me won’t solve your problems.” The key is to motivate them to give up that broken problem-solving skill and find an appropriate one that works.

---

Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment? 6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

---

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Back To School Concerns And Worries

Tweet

One of the main worries is how to help a child cope with bullying. The main strategy in the article below is to help the kid realize that the taunts and mocking have no element of truth in them and that the parents need to bolster his self confidence by emphasising his strong qualities. There is also a technique to teach the child to walk away from bullies and this can be practised at home. You will need a contact person at the school to make sure that things are not getting out of hand.

Other back to school concerns are about getting homework done and handed in, trying to get children out of bed for school every morning and how to cope with the unmotivated child.

For a full rundown on all the strategies read the article here.

Top Five Concerns for Back to School

FUNNY Video On ADHD !

Tweet

Finally a FUNNY video on ADHD ! But it provides food for thought. How much do we really know about the ADHD meds? What about ADHD diagnosis- how accurate is it ? Are psychostimulant drugs the answer? Basically this video carries the message that there ARE alternative treatments for ADHD out there. Careful diagnosis is a MUST and above all, we need to keep a more open mind on all the ADHD hype and maybe approach with a little more caution all the hype that is thrown at us.

Behavior therapy for ADHD and indeed for any parenting problem such as the defiant child, oppositional defiant disorder and general child behavior problems are all worth looking at.

Get more information on ADHD advice

Severe ADHD

Tweet

Severe ADHD cannot be treated with pills. What we need are skills ! Skills? Yes, skills learnt from behavior modification. That is why the UK government actually pays for parents of kids with severe ADHD to attend classes. What do they learn in these classes ? They learn how to impose limits, set up a rewards system and a behavior chart. Laying down the rules and the bottom lines and learning the skills needed to keep to them is essential.

If your kid is totally unmanageable and out of control and is causing problems at home and at school, then read the article on severe ADHD


Learn about a great behavior modification course for severe ADHD

Check out this lens on ADHD Behavior Therapy

Self Help for Depression

Tweet

Why don't doctors advise us more about our lifetsyle when prescribing anti- depressant medications ? This is a good question because it raises the whole question about self help for depression. Apart from the side effects of depression medications which include weight gain and loss of libido, there are many things the depressed person can do to change his or her whole lifetsyle and even get rid of the medications. For example, we now know that three times a week sweat breaking exercise can be just as effective as a good dose of the SSRIs which doctors are so fond of prescribing ! THEY ALSO FORGET TO TELL US THAT AS SEROTONIN WHICH GOVERNS OUR MOOD ALSO CONTROLS OUR APPETITE AND OTHER ESSENTIAL BRAIN FUNCTIONS

Read the full article here on SELF HELP FOR DEPRESSION

Want to learn more about self help for depression ?

My Child Is Wild - Should I Medicate Him?

Tweet

If your child is suffering from ADHD or has some other behavior disorder, you have to make a decision whether to medicate or not. Unfortunately the medications are mostly based on amphetamine type drugs and you do not want your child to take a Schedule Class 2 drug ! These medications CAN work in relieving symptoms and your child may be calmer but while the symptoms are alleviated, the behavior problems remain ! No medication can solve a behavior problem and recent research shows that behavior modification together with some medication or even without any at all, is the only effective way to get over the problem. Read the article below for a good overview of the problem before you decide anything for your child.

To Medicate Or Not?  Is There A Drug For ADHD?

ADHD - How Do You Medicate ?

Tweet

What medication is going to teach your child to stop acting-out and misbehaving ? There is none on the market at the moment ! ADHD medications and drugs are known to have severe side effects for some children and they still go on misbehaving ! Learn how ADHD behavioral therapy can help you and your child to start behaving normally again and end the war !

Out of Control Behavior: Should I Medicate My Child?



ADHD BEHAVIOR THERAPY

Good Cop/Bad Cop Parenting

Tweet

Why is this a problem ? It is a real issue in some families because kids are getting different messages from both parents. One is always the good cop while the other is the bad one. Sometimes kids will exploit this situation and take advantage! Learn about how ADHD behavior therapy can help you to deal with this in your family and how both parents need to be united and signed up to the rules for your family life.

Good Cop/Bad Cop Parenting

GET MORE INFORMATION ON ADHD BEHAVIOR THERAPY

Creatine Bodybuilding

Tweet

Creatine is actually produced in our own bodies (in the liver and the kidneys) and provides a basic building block in muscle development as it is essential for muscular contractions. We could get lots of creatine by eating raw fish and red meat as it is destroyed in the cooking process. you would have to eat about 16 steaks a day to get abiut 20gr of creatine for pumping your muscles - not really feasible.

The basic building block for any muscular contraction is adenosine triphosphate known as ATP. The great advantage of taking creatine is that it increases the ATP thus giving you all the fuel you need to build muscle. That is why it is so good for
bodybuilding or athletes who need a powerful burst of energy.


Discover More On Creatine Effects

ADHD Behavior Therapy Articles

Tweet

Get this widget!

ADHD Behavior Therapy- Time To Act!

Tweet

Are you tired of shouting, cursing defiant kids? Is this complicated by the fact that they also have ADHD? It is now established by prestigious bodies like the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence in the UK and the American Academy of Pediatricians in the USA, that ADHD behavior therapy should be given greater prominence in any ADHD treatment program. It should also come first rather than last and should generally replace the use of ADHD drugs which are causing concern and just do not cure ADHD. Watch the video and see how this could change your life !



Learn more about ADHD behavior therapy

ADHD Behavioural Therapy

Tweet

Many parents are now finding out about behavioural therapy for ADHD and are not disappointed with the results. Watch this video clip and see how this could transform your family life in a very short time. The Total Transformation®

Change your child's behavior with

James Lehman's program. Free trial!

Help For The Hyperactive Child

Tweet

There has been much debate about how food can affect a child's brain. This is true as researchers have shown. It is now known that carbohydrates will increase glucose levels which in turn will affect serotonin. Serotonin, if it spikes, as a result will interfere with the other neurotransmitters and that will cause havoc. Results are inattention, restlessness and extreme difficulty in focusing.
Best way to help a hyperactive child is to make sure that his breakfast has protein as a main element plus carbohydrates for energy.

Other ways a hyperactive child can be helped are :-

1. Organise 'green time' activities - outdoor activities.
2. Parenting skills can be learnt from others - ADHD blogs and forums are great sources of help.
3. Find out what ADHD medications are available and especially their side effects. Be aware that 3.3 million Americans are on these drugs which are based on amphetamines and the side effects are often dramatic - heart attacks, seizures and sudden death.

For A Much Safer ADHD Alternative Remedy