Why Natural Treatments For ADHD Are Superior To Medication.

Medication for ADHD has now reached epidemic proportions and as time goes by, there does not seem to be an alternative form of drug which would be less harmful. That is why more and more parents are now turning to natural treatments for ADHD. They are just safer all round and in many cases are just as effective.

The reason why this has been hidden is an obvious one. The drug companies are powerful lobbies and they know how to protect their interests. It is as simple as that.

Let us look and see why medication of ADHD with these psychostimulant drugs is not the way to go. First, the figures are alarming. I know that figures for Ritalin prescriptions in the US alone can reach the 6 million figure every year, that is six times what it was just ten years ago.  ADHD diagnoses are rising by an average of 4% each year.  On a more anecdotal basis, a pharmacy assistant friend of mine was astounded when she realized how many requests were being presented for both Ritalin and Adderall, two of the most popular ones on the market to-day.

Here are six reasons why these ADHD meds are not the complete answer although they can be very useful in the short term and in some severe cases. The can stop a child from dangerous impulsive actions and also calm them down. But, and it is a very big but, they also come with a wide range of warnings and provisos.

Six reasons to seek an alternative such as natural treatments for ADHD :-

• the efficacy of the drugs is now questioned and the effects will wear off after three years (Dr. William Pelham, University of Buffalo and University of Florida).
• there may be a link with cancer ( National Toxicology Program research).
• there is a definite link with stunted growth and loss of appetite
• side effects will vary but can be severe and these will include cardiac arrest, hallucinations, suicide and an increase in violent and aggressive behavior.                       
• the drugs are using methylphenidate which is the same as cocaine and many of the effects are similar to some effects of this street drug
• treating ADHD with drugs will not teach a child the behavior and life skills he so desperately needs.

 Natural Treatments For ADHD :

• Supplementing the child’s diet with essential fatty acids or Omega 3 actually can improve ADHD symptoms more effectively than Ritalin. This was the result of a University of Adelaide study.
• Other dietary experiments at schools have shown that a healthier lunch with more fruit and vegetables had a marked effect on children’s behavior in the afternoon sessions. They were calmer and altogether more focused.
• Homeopathic remedies using such ingredients like Hyoscyamus, Versa alb and Arsen iod  and so one are much more effective and without any side effects at all. Luc Montagnier, the Nobel Prize winner in Immunology says that we should be much more open minded about homeopathic medicine. The pharmaceutical companies think otherwise and have even paid for research to show that these are nothing more than highly diluted substances.
• Helping a child through ADHD benavior therapy is done, not with meds, but with helping to set limits, sticking to them, having proper routines and an ADHD friendly home. These will help a child enormously over time and should not be underestimated at all. 
•  Children are usually much calmer when they have spent some time doing physical activities in the open so plenty of green time can be beneficial. Much better to do that than allow them use their electronic media at home!

 Check out what natural treatments for ADHD are available and how you can help your child to cope with life at school and at home.

Kids Behavior Problems

 I have just read a very interesting article in The Guardian recently about what could be at the root of a lot of kids' behavior problems and how we can solve them. The main thrust of this article was how the consumerist society has put enormous pressure on parents to make up for lost prime time with their kids by buyimg them designer clothes, toys and technology. 

At least that is the view of many parents in the UK. UNICEF also points out that the long working hours of many British families is putting enormous pressure on them and their children. The fact that the family structure has disintegrated in many cases over the last twenty years or so does not help matters either.

In fact the UK is scoring very badly according to a UNICEF report which puts the UK at the bottom of the table of 21 industrialized countries as regards the well being and happiness of their children. 

 But the survey also pointed out that things operate rather differently in Scandinavia and Spain.

In Sweden, first of all, advertising certain goods to under twelves is banned from children's TV programs and therefore takes a lot of the pressure off. Also there are more shared household and parenting tasks so that neither parent feels overwhelmed. That coupled with the lack of advertising flaunted at kids does help to ease the pervasive 'consumer culture' so keenly felt in the UK and some other countries too.

In Spain the situation is different again in that the extended family can often play a positive role in helping to rear kids so that many of the relatives including grandparents are involved in rearing the children.

When the children themselves were asked about kids' behavior problems, they were quick to point out that their happiness was dependent on several rather important factors and none of these include designer clothes!

 Their main sources of happiness was spending time with their parents and friends and also having plenty of green time activities.

In spite of that the UK lags behind some other countries as regards kids behavior problems in that the parents just are absent, do not know how to parent or simply respond to the enormous consumerist pressure which is heaped on them and their children day after day. 

Could Vitamin D Be The Next Cure For Cancer?

I have just been reading the latest news reports on a natural cure for cancer. Yes, it has been found and not by some charlatan either! The work has been done by the research team at the University of Alberta in Edmonton , Canada. The actual cure is a simple drug which is already in use to cure disorders of the metabolism. The drug is called dichloroacetate, a non-toxic chemical and known as DCA for short.


Do you know what the problem is ? Do you know why the FDA will never bother to approve it ? The answer is the patent because it cannot be patented so it is of no use to the pharmaceutical companies. It would just not make enough profit at all. The infuriating thing about this is that there are no side effects and it has actually been shown to be an effective cancer treatment. It can actually cure cancer!

As regards the use of Vitamin D as an effective and valid cancer treatment, the FDA seems to be waking up and there are now over 380 clinical trials taking place to see if this is really a valid cure for cancer instead of chemotherapy.

They are looking at how Vitamin D whether through sun exposure or administering it orally can be used to treat any type of cancer including skin cancer. We shall see what the results of these experiments are. The National Cancer Institute and the National Institutes of Health are collaborating as well.

In the meantime, we can all get our daily dose of sunshine and make sure that our levels of Vitamin D are fairly constant throughout the year.

Now this makes a pleasant change from the normal FDA policy of shutting the door on all natural cures. This is brought out very well in Dan Haley’s book called ‘The Politics of Healing’. They actually banned ten cures, eight of which were for cancer. Subsequently he wrote about another two cures for cancer which worked and these were also suppressed.

The New York Times reports that cancer drugs, not cures are big business! “Virtually every large pharmaceutical company seems to have discovered cancer, and a substantial portion of the smaller biotechnology companies are focused on it as well. Together, the companies are pouring billions of dollars into developing cancer drugs."

It look as if Vitamin D might just might be the next breakthrough in the fight against cancer.

Tired of Yelling at Your Child?
Stop Screaming-and Start Parenting Effectively

by Janet Lehman, MSW

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably been there: your child says or does something that pushes your buttons, and the next thing you know, you’re yelling at the top of your lungs—and she’s responding in kind. Afterward, you feel drained, upset and frustrated and wonder why it always has to come down to a screaming match. Janet Lehman, MSW, explains how you can move from being “The Screamer” parent to one who communicates effectively.

Yelling at a problem does not usually make it go away—it only makes matters worse.

Why do parents yell and scream at their kids? I think most people scream because they’re frustrated. At the exact moment in time when you lose it, you don’t feel like you have any other options; it becomes like a knee jerk reaction or a trigger being pulled. In other words, you don’t think about what you’re doing, you just respond.

Parents can also let incidents with their child’s behavior pile up. They go from situation to situation compiling their frustration with their kids. Eventually, they react by screaming rather than with a response that really deals with the misbehavior effectively.

Related: Frustrated with your child’s behavior?

I’d like to point out here that it’s important for parents to remember that we’re not perfect, and that we can learn from our mistakes. A periodic scream or two doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.

I also want to stress that it’s okay to speak strongly to kids. But getting angry and then ratcheting up to screaming is not helpful, especially if it’s over anything and everything, because there’s no connection to the actual misbehavior.

My Story: “Homework’ for Parents

Let me tell you a story about my own family. I had a long commute home from work when my son was growing up, and from time to time I would be frustrated and in a bad mood when I got home. I would arrive late and find our adolescent son not doing his homework and sitting on the couch and eating and making a mess—usually with his feet up on the table. I like to keep everything in order, so this was extremely annoying to me. I won’t lie—there were some days when I was really tired and hungry and frustrated, and I did yell and scream at him.

Related: How to get through to your child—without screaming.

After that happened a few times, I felt like my personal homework was to think about how to respond better in the future. The first thing I realized was that I needed some space after work because it was a time where my emotions were triggered easily. I also took some time to look back at my behavior afterward, and reviewed the scene in my head. I would sometimes go over things with my son and apologize for yelling and explain that I’d had a hard day and that I was sorry I took it out on him. If you decide to do that, understand that it’s not about getting forgiveness from your kids, it’s really just about owning your behavior, learning from the situation and trying to do better next time. Also, James and I made sure our son was held accountable for his actions. Getting homework done and cleaning up after himself were his responsibilities, and he knew that failing to do either would result in receiving some consequences. My goal became to stay calm and handle his behavior without losing control myself.

Are You a “Chronic’ Screamer?

If you find yourself yelling at your kids much of the time, understand that it empowers your kids in a bad way, because it gives them the message that you are not in control. And if you aren’t in control, they might assume that they are the ones in charge. Both of these are fairly dangerous messages, in my opinion. It’s also important to understand that kids feel unsafe when their parents have no control.

Success is feeling good about how you’ve done your job in teaching your child how to behave—and you can’t feel good about yourself if you’re screaming all the time. When chronic screaming becomes the norm, children are also apt to think it’s okay for them to scream all the time, too. You’re teaching your kids that screaming is a suitable response when you’re frustrated or overwhelmed. It doesn’t teach anything positive, just that life is out of control—and emotionally, you’re out of control.

Here’s the bottom line: If you use yelling to get your kids to comply, you’re not teaching them better problem–solving behaviors. Yelling at a problem does not usually make it go away—it only makes matters worse. And if they’re screamed at all the time, your kids will learn that they never have to change their behavior, they will just take the screaming and do what they want to do. Eventually, your child will simply tune you out.

If you find yourself screaming at your child frequently, it’s not going to be easy to stop yourself—at least not right away. Learning how to change the way you communicate with your child takes practice. You might need a bigger bag of tricks because your kids are going to push your buttons to try and get you to lose control—which is what they’re used to. But you can learn to have control and communicate with them effectively. Here are some tips that will help you get back on track:

Remember, you can always get out of a screaming match: Here’s a simple truth: if you’re caught in a screaming match with your kid, it’s always okay to stop at any point. No matter if the fight is just beginning, if you’re deep into it or it’s been going on for ten minutes, you can give yourself permission to stop and step away from the situation. As my husband James used to say, “You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.’ Walking away from a screaming match will often stop the fight in its tracks, right then and there.

Stepping away—taking that time away from the heat of the situation—also helped me as a parent to figure out what my response should be. Sometimes it meant spending some time away from my child and then going back later and dealing with his misbehavior.

Wait ten minutes—or 24 hours: I think it’s fine to wait ten minutes—or even wait until the next day—to come back and talk with your child about his inappropriate language or behavior. Often, things with our kids are truly not that urgent. Most of us scream about things that are minor when you really think about it. They might feel urgent at the time, but that’s only because of whatever we bring to the situation—not usually because of our kid’s behavior. I also think that sometimes it’s good for a child to have to think about a situation or incident.

Disengage: A very simple thing you can do is count to ten while really disengaging yourself from the situation. So count to ten, walk away, go into a different room, do a different activity. Even if you don’t have a clue what’s triggering your frustration, if you know that you are overreacting, (and screaming is usually an overreaction unless you’re yelling at a small child running into a busy street) try to disengage.

Give Yourself Transition Time: Give yourself some time to transition when you come home. Take ten minutes to go wash up, gather your thoughts and then come out of your room and talk to your kids. They’ll act like they can’t wait ten minutes at first, but they’ll get used to it; they’ll learn to give you your space eventually.

Prepare yourself mentally: When I was on my way home from work, I also made preparations for how I would react. I would think to myself, “Okay, when I get home, if my son hasn’t done his homework and if he’s made a mess again, I’m not going to yell or scream. I’m just going to give myself time to unwind, and then come out and deal with his behavior.’ So if you know your triggers, you can plan your reaction.

Know your triggers: We all have triggers, and often they’re not the most rational things. I think it’s useful for parents to know what their triggers are, what sets them off. Is it the feet on the couch, is it backtalk, is it making a mess in the kitchen? Teach yourself what you can do when you’re triggered in order to respond more effectively.

Related: Do you know what triggers your child’s behavior? Teach him how to respond differently next time.

Review the screaming match after the fact: If you’re working on staying in control, I think you need to really look at yourself. Start reviewing what happened after the fact and try to practice more effective communication with your kids where you’re not out of control. Sometimes just having more positive interactions means there’s less time for the negative.

Ask yourself what kind of parent you’d like to be: Very few people want to be known as a chronic screamer, or feel good about yelling at their kids a lot. Ask yourself what kind of parent you want to be. And remember, you can stop at any point and at any time to make these improvements.

Get support: If you’re trying to get more control and would like to stop yelling, I recommend that you talk to your spouse, or your friends, and really acknowledge all of it. I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about—almost all of us scream. Your spouse might have some insights or some ideas of what you can do; maybe he or she can even step in and help out next time when you start to lose it. They also might notice what some of your triggers are that you haven’t noticed yourself.

Parenting has moments of high stress, and let’s face it, we are living in a very stressful time. Meanwhile, life goes on—our kids continue to act out, fail to listen to us and misbehave. I think parents often scream because it has become an automatic response. We’ve often learned how to yell and scream from our own parents, but remember, you have more tools than your parents had. They did the best they could, but they had no courses on how to be effective; they didn’t have Empowering Parents or The Total Transformation Program. We have the benefit of knowing what didn’t work in the past and we have the power to change things. Changing the way we do things is a matter of mastering our self–control toward more responsible parenting and understanding that we have choices in our behavior.

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Tired of Yelling at Your Child?
Stop Screaming-and Start Parenting Effectively reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. She held various roles during her career as a social worker, including juvenile probation officer, case manager and therapist. Janet also worked as a program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums
from Toddler to Pre-teen

by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, Member of
The Total Transformation Advisory Board

Why are temper tantrums so difficult for parents to handle? Besides the fact that they’re loud, annoying and embarrassing, we often feel it’s our job requirement to make our kids act the way we feel they should behave. If we can’t do that, we feel ineffective. We also don’t like the judgments that we imagine others are making of us when our kids are out of control. We don’t know what to do, but feel we must do something—after all, we are the parents.

And of course, on a deep level we want our kids to learn how to calm down and act “normally.” When they’re not able to do that because they haven’t yet figured out how to manage their own frustrations, it can sometimes cause us to have our own tantrums, which only adds more fuel to the fire. And when we feel a sense of helplessness, we often react by getting angry or giving in—and then we feel controlled by our kids’ behavior. But attempting to manage our anxiety by trying to control their responses never works. I think it’s better to focus on dealing with our own feelings of helplessness, embarrassment and frustration when our kids are having a meltdown.

Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that is the best way you can quiet any kind of upset or tantrum.

Sometimes parents ask me if there are ways to stop child temper tantrums from happening. I don’t really think there are—I think it’s natural to have tantrums. We adults have them all the time. We can lose our temper when someone cuts us off in traffic or when our kids don’t listen. Maturing is all about managing our emotions more effectively, and it’s a lifetime project. In my opinion, we can’t prevent tantrums, but we can impact how often and how long they go on by the way we respond to our children’s outbursts.

I think when our children feel that we need them to behave “our way” in order for us to feel calm, it’s a natural reaction for them to become defensive. You’ll see an attitude of, “Oh yeah? Nobody can tell me what to do.” Ultimately, they will just shout louder and create more of a scene.

Related: Learn how to manage your angry child.

We feel uneasy when we see our kids struggle, or be upset or uncomfortable, and this compounds the situation. As a result, we try to manage the anxiety that this provokes in us. When we yell or give in, we’re relieving our own distress rather than helping our children develop self control.

When Your Child Has a Tantrum in Public

When your child has a temper tantrum in front of others, there’s an extra element of embarrassment and shame that we feel as parents. I understand how that happens—it’s natural to react that way. We often think that being a good parent means having well–behaved kids all the time, so we imagine others are judging us by that standard. But as Total Transformation creator James Lehman says, “You are not a mind reader. If you try to imagine what others are thinking, 95 percent of the time you’re going to read something negative there. That’s because whenever we’re negative, we interpret other people's perceptions of us as negative.”

Look at it this way: the tantrum really isn’t about us, it’s about our child. While it’s easy to personalize your child’s tantrum and feel like it’s about you when it’s happening, trust me, it’s really about your child. Try asking yourself at those times, “What is most important, what others think of me, or what I think an effective parent would do right now?”

If you’re in public or with others, you can simply explain that your child is having a hard time, excuse yourself and move out of the situation. Leave the room, go to the car, or go home. Do whatever you need to do quickly and matter–of–factly. Remember, you don’t want to give the tantrum attention, either positively or negatively.

What to Do Before the Next Tantrum

Hold on to your principles: In a relaxed moment, sit down and think about how you want to behave under the worst kind of stress. This is really key, because if you’re going to go by your “emotion of the moment,” you'll often end up losing your cool. Consider how you want to react, and hold that picture in your mind. The next time your child acts out, do your best to remain true to that image of yourself. It may take some practice, but eventually you’ll be able to do it.

Know what you can handle: Be realistic with your expectations. Know what you—and your kids—can handle. If you try to go on 15 errands instead of one, many young kids will not be able to deal with it. If your child is a little bit older, let him know what you expect; prepare him for what’s coming. You can say, “If you fall apart or start yelling for something, this is what’s going to happen.” Tell him what his consequence will be—and stick to it. If you are going to a store and your child tends to want everything in sight, provide him with a way to cope with his frustrations. For elementary school kids, I think it’s helpful to have them bring a pad of paper and a pen and make a list of things they want. They can put things they see on their Christmas or birthday list. Smaller kids might draw pictures of what they’d like. I think it’s helpful to have a little tool box, so to speak, of things for your kids to do so that they can help themselves stay calm.

Try to avoid your child’s “triggers” if you can: Try to avoid triggers that you know will set your child off. If your children are older, you can teach them to observe themselves. Do this by pointing out what you see happening. You can say, “I know when you come home from school and you’ve had a bad day, you tend to take it out on your little brother. What can you do instead of yelling at him and picking a fight?” Your child might say, “Well, I can spend some time in my room listening to music instead.” Your goal with your child here is to try some new things to avoid his triggers, and teach him how to see what sets him off in the process. Physical triggers are also very common. For younger children especially, make sure they’re getting proper rest and food and that they’re not over–extended.

Plan ahead and give yourself a pep talk: If you know certain things trigger your child’s tantrums, plan ahead. Say to yourself, “We’re going to the grocery store, and I know what typically can happen there. So I’m going to warn my child and talk about what my expectations are ahead of time. If he has a tantrum, I'm going to stick to my guns.” Help coach him on ways to handle those triggers and let him know what you’ll do if he cannot manage his frustration. With younger kids, from toddler to the age of six, you may have to just physically pick them up and move them out of the store. Prepare yourself for that eventuality.

Be a good role model: Be a good role model in terms of your own behavior. How do you feel when you’re frustrated about something? What you do with those feelings is something your child is going to learn. Decide how you will behave, no matter how your child behaves. Step away from your own emotions to figure out thoughtful responses to these difficult situations. Ask yourself this question: “How can I calm down when my child loses it?” instead of “How can I get my child to calm down?” No one can control how another person feels, period. And the more you try to manage your child’s reactions, the more he’ll probably act out.

What to Do When Your Child Goes into Tantrum Mode

Here are some rules of thumb I’ve found to be effective when you’re in the eye of the storm and your child has gone into tantrum mode.

Get yourself to zero: The first order of business is to get yourself under control; get calm, rather than trying to get your child under control. Put the effort there. Take a walk around the house, count to 100, take your own timeout. Call a friend. Do whatever you can do to get yourself under control, but again, try not to lose your temper. Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that's the best way to quiet any kind of upset or tantrum.

Remember that you’re not responsible for getting your child under control: Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your child makes. Rather, you are responsible for how you choose to handle those choices. Try not to get engaged by your kids' angry outbursts. If it doesn’t capture you, it won’t capture them. Stay focused on staying calm. Do not react by yelling, worrying, hovering or giving in—all typical things that we do as parents.

Try not to lose it and have your own tantrum: This will only serve to escalate your child’s anger and frustration, and make him feel more defensive. Remember, anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.

Do not give into your child’s request: If you give in to your child's requests when he has an outburst, it will set up a pattern where you create more tantrums. In effect, you’ve taught your child that the best way to get what he wants is to scream, yell and be out of control.

Isolate your child: I don’t mean to put your child into an isolation booth, but rather, put your younger child in his room or in some spot where he can have a timeout or cooling off period and learn how to soothe himself. Make sure you’re not continually engaging him in his tantrum.

Fake it if you have to: There’s an old saying: “Fake it till you make it.” While you ultimately want to get calm, I think it’s okay to fake it until you get there. Of course you feel terrible inside: you’re embarrassed, upset and frustrated, but try saying to yourself, “I’m not going to react to these feelings because this will not solve my problem.” So in other words, you don’t have to be truly calm at first. You will have uncomfortable feelings, but it’s what you do with those feelings that matters. (And in the end, that’s the same thing we’re trying to teach our kids.)

Remind yourself that it’s your job to teach your child: Remind yourself that you are the teacher. Your children can’t handle these strong emotions yet and it’s our job to help them learn how to do that. Remember, they are testing you—and believe it or not, they truly want you to win this particular test. On the surface, your child really wants you to give in, but on another level, he wants to see that there are strong parents in the room. Kids want to know that their parents are sturdy, strong and reliable and are people who mean what they say. They don’t want parents who are going to fall apart. They need us to stay anchored so they won’t drown.

Related: Give your child consequences that really work.

What to Say During the Tantrum

Be clear and calm: Be clear and firm with your child. They want to see that you’re in charge and that somebody is in control. That’s going to come through your voice, expression and body language. You want to communicate that you are not losing it in any way. Keep your center and be very firm. You can say, “We are not staying here. We can come back when you can pull yourself together. We are leaving now.”

Use empathy: When your child is in the middle of a tantrum, I think it’s important to be empathetic but not give in or lose it. If it’s appropriate, you can say, “I know it’s very frustrating, I understand you wanted to get this video game today.” Empathy opens people up to being able to hear us; if we don’t start with that, it shuts things down. I don’t mean that you should spend lots of time delving into your child's feelings, but a tone, a look or a word of empathy can go a long way when your child is frustrated.

The little question you should ask yourself: Ask yourself “What do I want to do in this situation?” Rather than “What do I want my child to do.” Just that little switch in thinking often makes a big difference. Because again, if I’m going to be working hard to get my kids under control, it’s going to be a very different outcome than if I’m working hard to get myself under control.

When Kids Don’t Learn How to Manage Their Emotions

If you give in to your child when he has tantrums—or throw one yourself in reaction to his outbursts—as he grows older and reaches adolescence, this will often turn into a chronic power struggle. Sadly, I’ve seen it many times in my practice. And temper tantrums in older children are no laughing matter. Your teenage son will become relentless; he won’t take “no” for an answer. Your tween daughter will wear you down and become an expert at manipulating you. Or your child might become aggressive and fight with you all the time. What these kids learn is that they can get things by intimidating other people. They will not have learned how to regulate themselves so therefore their behaviors will be very reactive and extreme. And believe me, these power struggles do become battles.

Just look at a two–year–old throwing a tantrum and imagine what a 20–year–old will look like. You might see him punching the walls, yelling, calling you names and intimidating you, and storming out of the house. And if you react in turn, on and on it goes. But here’s a secret: it just takes one person to stop this pattern, and then the whole thing settles down. So decide not to hit the ball back next time. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you when your child acts out. That will ultimately help your child to manage his strong emotions and frustrations.

Related: Learn how to set limits with your child.

So think about building relationships for the long term, rather than changing annoying behaviors in the shorter term. A lot of times, we just want to get our kids to stop the tantrum or acting-out behavior. We think, “I can’t stand this anymore!” or “They’re fighting all the time. It’s driving me crazy!” If we simply want to get somebody to stop doing something, we can probably get them to do it, but we may hurt our relationship with them in the long term. On the other hand, if we want to work on a relationship that is going to have longevity ten or twenty years from now, we have to think of it in terms of building on it every time we respond to our kids. We need to thoughtfully respond to them so that we keep the relationship intact. And the way we can do that is by trying to influence them rather than control them. Influence comes through respecting our kids and their choices, and not getting mad at them or taking it personally when they have tantrums. In my opinion, this is the best road to building a strong relationship with our children.

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Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums from Toddler to Pre-teen reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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For more than 25 years, Debbie Pincus MS LMHC has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie also facilitates parenting groups and is the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

"My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?"

How to Coach Your Child Forward

by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor

“My child misbehaves so much that I don’t even know where to start!” This is one of the most common things we hear on the Parental Support Line, and it’s an understandable problem. Many parents tell me they feel overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious when dealing with their child or teen’s acting out behavior; they wonder how they’ll be able to tackle so many issues at once. But here’s a secret: thinking about the problem in this way will only make you feel defeated before you even start.

“Start where your child is and coach them forward.”

James Lehman says: “Start where your child is and coach them forward.” In other words, build on your child’s strengths and keep your expectations reasonable. We also recommend that you not try to tackle everything at once, but pick one or two behaviors you want to change and then move on from there. Remember, your overall goal is to see your child make improvements—it’s not simply to have your child do what you tell them to do.

If you feel completely overwhelmed by your child’s behavior problems, here are 8 tips to help you focus on changing your child's behavior, step by step.

1. Try to Have Reasonable Goals

I think that many times instead of trying to make gradual changes, parents expect that all the inappropriate behavior will stop immediately. The truth is, you might see certain behaviors stop right away, but it doesn’t necessarily mean your child will never act out again. It’s not going to be instantaneous, and it will take just as much practice on your part as it does on your child’s part. Change takes time. It’s not just you who needs time practicing new techniques. Your child also needs to practice so he can learn by repetition. The reason you want to ask for reasonable change is because your child cannot make major changes all at once.

2. Coaching Your Child Forward: Know What His Strengths Are

It’s important to have a good idea of what your child is capable of doing. Here’s an example: Some kids have an issue like ADD or ADHD. It’s important to get a really good understanding of what ADHD looks like in your child. Is it hard for him to focus and stay organized? Maybe he daydreams when he’s supposed to be working. Every child is different, and it’s important for you to modify your expectations accordingly. It’s also important for your child to know what his strengths and weaknesses are so he can recognize when he’s getting off track and learn how to get back on. After determining what your child’s strengths and weaknesses are, understand that he will make improvements from that starting point.

I’ve seen kids who are defiant or oppositional completely throw in the towel because they’re not capable of doing what you’re asking, particularly in relation to school work. That’s why it’s extremely important to find out what your child’s abilities are and begin right there. That’s one of the most important steps in making sure your expectations are reasonable.

3. Keep in Mind That Your Child is Working Toward a Goal

Accept that your child is working toward a goal. In other words, your child is probably not going to be able to stop his inappropriate behavior on a dime. If your teen is in the habit of getting his way by intimidating others in the family with his angry outbursts, understand that this behavior is not going to go away immediately. Work with him on making small steps toward good behavior. You might say, “You need to give me your cell phone for the next two hours until you can behave and talk appropriately.” The key is that during that time, your child is practicing this new skill. You’re not saying, “That’s it—you’ve lost your phone all day.” Many kids struggle with punishments that last too long and end up giving up halfway through. Instead, you want to have short-term goals throughout the day. Work toward short-term accomplishments and successes all day long.

4. Pick One Behavior to Work on at a Time

When I ask parents what they’d like to start working on with their child, many say general things like, “I just want my kid to listen to me,” or “I want my teen to do what I ask him to do when I ask him.” I think it’s very important to pick a specific behavior to start with and a time of day when it should be accomplished. When you’re just beginning to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program, it’s important to put some structure in your child’s schedule or else you’re too likely to get into a power struggle with him each time you ask him to stop what he’s doing and do what you want. Choose a concrete behavior, such as doing homework daily, or being home at curfew, instead of working on your child’s attitude. You might feel concerned because you’re letting other behaviors slide when you focus on just one, but realize that your child is actually learning skills when he changes one behavior at a time—skills that he will be able to use in all situations going forward. Primarily, he is learning how to do what he doesn’t feel like doing, and that there will be a consequence if he behaves inappropriately. Make no mistake, a lot is happening when you choose one behavior at a time and work solely on it.

5. Start with Physical Behavior

Many parents ask, “Where do I start?” I always recommend that you begin with physical behavior first. It could be a safety issue, like your child sneaking out of the house at night. Many parents will say that back talk is the biggest thing they’re dealing with. It’s really hard for them to tolerate, and that’s natural. But if your child is not coming home at night, I suggest putting backtalk aside for a bit and focusing on making sure he’s safe and complying with house rules regarding curfew.

Physical behavior can also apply to kids who act out and are destructive or abusive at home. If your child is punching holes in the walls or intimidating his siblings physically, you want to start there. We recommend that you adopt James’ philosophy of, “There’s no excuse for abuse” in your family. Let your kids know there will be stern consequences for their actions and follow through on them.

A lot of parents will avoid tackling these big issues because it’s easier to pick something small than it is to address the big scary things. But if it’s a health or safety concern I don’t think you have any choice—that should always come first.

6. Can’t Decide Which Behavior to Tackle First? Get Some Help

There are some instances where you may be forced to deal with two behaviors at the same time. Let’s say your child talks back to you while you’re trying to help him complete his homework assignment, and you’re not sure which behavior to address first. This is where the Total Transformation Parental Support Line can be really helpful. We can help you determine, based on your child and what his overall behavior is like, what the best issue is to address first. We can tell you what technique to really focus on and which ones to set aside for later—and we’ll help you come up with a practical strategy.

7. If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to be Making Enough Progress…

A common stumbling block for parents is when they feel as if their child isn’t making enough progress. But remember, the goal is that your child improves—not that they will listen to you 100% of the time. It’s very different.

Sometimes you can change that by changing your parenting techniques and the house rules. Power struggles between you and your child will usually cause him to dig in and not cooperate. Putting more structure into place is sometimes necessary. You might say, “You have to do your chores Saturday morning if you want to go out Saturday night. Get started at 10:00 a.m.”

At other times, your child might be having real difficulty making improvements. James Lehman says we have to “parent the child we have and not the child we wish we had.” He reminds us that our kids are unique individuals. This brings us back to the importance of determining your child’s capabilities—again, be sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable.

8. Don’t Take It Personally

Many parents also get trapped in wanting their kids to feel a certain way. They want their kids to care about cleaning their room or to care about the effect doing homework will have on their future. The truth is, it’s not your child’s fault; he’s really not wired to feel that way yet. The important thing is not that your child cares, it’s that he learns how to do things even if he doesn’t feel like doing them. This is a huge life skill.

When you’re working to have your child’s behavior change, try to pay attention to what it looks like rather than what your child is saying. James says to ask yourself, “What would I see if I were watching this on television with the sound turned down? What would my child’s behavior look like right now?” I think this is a really good way to visualize what behavior is when you’re having a hard time separating it from what your child says or feels. Just ask yourself, “What is my child doing?”

Let’s say the sound is turned down and you see your teenager fighting with you, then he’s stomping off to clean his room. He may be sullen and have a bad attitude, but he’s also doing what you asked. Work on the behavior first, and the attitude will come. James says, “Don’t feel your way to better behavior; behave your way to better feelings.” And that’s exactly what you want your child to do.

Sometimes in parenting, it really is “two steps forward, one step back.” But remember, even if that’s the case, you are still moving forward. Yes, your child will challenge you. He’ll come back and test you to see if things have really changed; he’ll see if he can get you to go back to the way you used to be, particularly if he was calling all the shots. But stand your ground and eventually his behavior will change. One way to stay encouraged is to remember where your child started and compare it to the progress he’s made. It’s also important to encourage your child when this happens. Keep saying things like, “I know you can make improvements because you have already done it. Keep at this.”

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"My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?"
How to Coach Your Child Forward reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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Carole Banks, MSW holds a Masters Degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of New England. She has been with Legacy Publishing Company for four years working on the Parental Support Line and writing for Empowering Parents. Carole has worked as a family and individual therapist for over 10 years, and is the mother of 3 grown children and the grandmother of six.

Dealing With Anger In Children And Teens

Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens,
Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It

by Q&A with James Lehman, MSW

It’s hard to get most adolescents to comply, but when you’re dealing with a hostile teen, it can be almost impossible. In part two of this series on anger and hostility in kids, James Lehman discusses concrete ways for you to break through your child’s force field of anger and defuse his hostility. Don’t give up yet—it really is possible to bring peace to your home.

EP: James, you’ve explained where anger and hostility come from in teens and how they use it to get out of meeting their responsibilities, but how do you get your child to comply without starting a fight every time?

“Don’t forget, acting–out people get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And what’s the agenda? To gain control.”

JL: I think compliance is a good goal to have when talking about hostile kids and teens. Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love and affection. It may be there—and I think these kids love their parents—but it really has more to do with getting your child to comply with the rules at home and at school. What are the weapons hostile kids and adolescents use in that fight? I think hostile or defiant kids are willing to use anything: they’ll break things, they’ll call you filthy names, they’ll run away. They have all of those weapons at their disposal, but we as parents do not. There are a few things we do have, though, and one is that we have control over our homes.

I think it’s important for parents to take a stand. You might start by saying, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re going to lose your cell phone until your homework is handed in.” Now, while some kids will answer you with, “All right, sure, I’ll take care of it,” hostile kids will respond by saying, “It’s none of your business. It’s my grade; don’t bother me.” When you go to take their cell phone from them, if they slap your hand or push it away or act out in any way, my advice is that you call the police. In other words, you get the external controls you need, the external support you need to at least be able to control your own home. That’s the first step.

EP: OK, I want to come back to that point later. What if your child is also hostile to his siblings?

JL: If there are other siblings in your home, have a safety plan for them. “If Johnny freaks out, what can you do?” Make the plan the safest, most helpful thing for your children to do. An example might be that they can go to their rooms and play or read a book. In the moment an argument is happening, you can say, “Go to your room and read a book while I deal with Johnny.” That gets your other kids out of the way.

EP: Do you recommend explaining to your hostile child what the new rules are, so to speak?

JL: Definitely. I think you can talk to your child about it directly. You can say, “You’re striking out at me; you’re hateful to me and to the rest of the family. When you’re hostile, this is what’s not going to happen. If you want a ride to school, if you need a ride to practice, if you want to go out, if you want to go do something, if you want permission to go to parties or anything, you’re not going to get it. You need to learn how to make requests, not demands.”

And ask yourself what your child can replace the hostility with if he doesn’t like what’s going on. How can he learn to behave differently? With the kids I worked with, I would suggest that they keep a journal and write down their hostile feelings. They were able to take a timeout and write without a consequence. By the way, if your child requests a timeout, he should never be given consequences. If he says, “I need a break right now” and goes to his room, he should never be punished for that unless he’s trying to manipulate you to get out of a chore. Remember, a timeout is a coping skill. We hope kids learn to take them on their own. During a timeout, what happens is you unwind from over–stimulation until you’re calm and composed enough to see what’s really going on. It gives you a chance to let go of your own thinking errors and distorted thinking.

A lot of kids get really over–stimulated, and I believe that’s where the angry acting out often comes from. When I would work with kids in my office, I would tell them, “Any time you want to take a break, you just let me know and go sit in the other room. That’s fine with me. But understand, when you come back, we still have to deal with this.” I used to say, “If you act out and are angry here, don’t blame me. I gave you an option.” Just giving your child that option also gives them the power to exercise it.

By the way, if your child takes a timeout during homework time, then he has to make that time up later on. So if he’s supposed to be doing an hour of homework at the kitchen table and he takes a timeout for 15 minutes because something bothers him, then he has to make up those 15 minutes later. In the same way, if your child takes a timeout when he’s doing chores, then he has to come back and finish his chores.

EP: Is there anything else you can do to get your child to comply?

JL: I think that if your kid is really hostile, angry and defiant all the time, you may need some professional help to deal with him. If you try taking him to a therapist, give the treatment a certain amount of time. I’d say six or eight weeks is enough time for the therapist to get him to work on his hostility. If you don’t see any changes in that amount of time, I would look for someone else.

I think it’s also important to get help with your parenting skills when you have a hostile or defiant child. The bottom line is that you need to more effectively parent a child with this pattern of relating to others. You’ll see that a hostile kid is hostile to everybody. He’ll be hostile to you, to his teachers, to the cops. You’ve got two choices: your child can go to a counselor for an hour every week in the hopes that he’ll learn some coping skills and apply what he’s learned at home, or you can get the effective parenting skills you need to help create change where it counts. In my practice, I did both. I met with kids and I met with parents. And I would give parents the skills to orchestrate what they needed to do to promote change at home.

By the way, I always counseled parents to give their child a carrot big enough to make them want to change. This might include getting their driver’s permit, or having access to electronics or use of the car. And tell your child, “These are things I’m not going to do if you’re hostile. I’m not going to sign for you to take driver’s ed. I’m not going to let you get your driver’s permit.” If your adolescent is younger, then it can be, “I’m not going to let you go on the class trip. I’m not going to let you go to the junior high dance and football game.” Just remember, the carrot alone is not enough to create changes. You will need to coach your child to use their coping skills.

EP: Let’s say you want to make these changes but in the meantime, whenever your child comes into the room they fill the air with bad attitude. Do you recommend that parents just ignore that and talk to their kids normally?

JL: Yes, I would just keep giving them direction. I wouldn’t ask things like, “What’s wrong?” I wouldn’t inquire into their attitude. I would say, “All right, it’s four o’clock. You need to go to do your homework now, Jessica.”

Kids will walk around with a contemptuous attitude, and it does affect everybody and everything. But in my opinion, you just keep them focused on the task at hand. If they start making negative comments, say “Look, why don’t you go to your room until you’re ready to speak like the rest of us.”

EP: If you have an angry child, is there any way to calm them down during an outburst?

JL: I think the best way to handle their anger is to say what you have to say and then get out of the discussion. I recommend that you say something like: “I’m not going to talk to you till you calm down,” then turn and leave the room. If your adolescent yells at your back or calls you a name as you’re walking out of the room, don’t respond to him. Don’t argue; don’t turn around—don’t do anything. Just keep walking. If you have to get in your car and drive around the block, then do it as long as there are no small children in the house. But the point is to keep walking. Go to your bedroom and stay there for a few minutes.

Again, the idea is that once he’s in that angry, agitated state, he’s thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and he’s blaming you, his teachers, and other authority figures. He sees himself as the victim, and there’s nothing you can do face–to–face that’s going to take that away. People believe what they think, and teenagers believe what they think a lot more than they believe what their parents say. If a teenager thinks something isn’t too risky, it doesn’t matter if their parents say it’s a crazy stunt. Believe me, on a good day adolescents can hardly hear their parents beyond their own thinking errors and the way they view the world. So they believe what they think.

As soon as you extract yourself from the argument, there’s nothing to yell about. Your child may walk around the house shouting for a few more minutes, but the thing is, if you don’t respond to it, eventually he’s going to quiet down—or escalate.

EP: That brings us back to what you started talking about before…what should you do when your child escalates?

JL: I think it’s very important for parents to understand that their child might escalate his behavior. When you refuse to argue, some kids will break something or do something destructive. In my opinion, that’s when you call the police. Get them to help you because if your child is behaving this way, he’s out of control. When you call the police, say, “I don’t feel safe here; my son is out of control.”

Don’t try to talk your child out of his anger; don’t try to reason him down. Reasoning just gives your child a feeling of false power, and more of a sense that he’s in control and you’re not. What he hears you saying is, “You have huge shoulders Johnny; you have such big muscles. You’re so powerful.”

EP: James, in that case, do you think asking your child about his feelings tends to make things worse?

JL: In my experience, the more you ask what’s going on, the more your child will simply state his case; in fact, he’ll scream his case if you let him. The truth is, some kids want to appear out of control whether or not they are. Don’t forget, acting–out people get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And what’s the agenda? To gain control.

If you think you have to accept this type of hostile, defiant or angry attitude in order to be loved, that’s called co–dependency. In a co–dependent relationship, you have to fulfill a certain role in order to be loved. That’s one of its main definitions. An example might be, “You’ll love me as long as I make excuses for your alcoholism.” With a child, it’s “You’ll love me as long as I put up with your garbage.”

Personally, I think parents should try to maintain their dignity and self–respect. Remember, as I said before, kids want to love the people they respect. And they’ll find things to love about you when they do.

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Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens, Part 2: Effective Tools to Help You Handle It reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.