Child Behavior Programs - How To Choose

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How do you choose a child behavior program ? What sort of questions should you be asking before you buy This video guides you through the process and tells what to look out for.

How To Motivate Your Child

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How do you set about getting a child to be motivated so that going back to school will not be so traumatic this year ? Motivation is one of the big child behavior problems and the article sets out very clearly what you can do to get results.

Motivating Underachievers II:
Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts

by James Lehman, MSW

In Part II of Motivating Underachievers, James explains what you can do to get your child on track before school starts—and how you can motivate them to do their school work during the year.

"I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about 'Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.'"

For a teen-ager, there are many ways to say “screw you” to your parents. And for underachieving kids, being motivated to do nothing is one of those ways. I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about “Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.” And when kids develop that kind of attitude, many times there's a lot of stuff going on in their lives which overwhelms them. Resisting their parents’ expectations is one way that they can feel like they’re in control. For these children and teens, the path to power becomes a game of withholding and resisting, and they often sink under the waves at school. The sad part is that this game only works until they’re young adults—and then no one else will be willing to play it with them.

What to Say to Kids Who Had a Bad Year Last Year

For the kids who had a hard time in school the previous year, parents should be talking to them about what they learned from that hard time. After all, we're supposed to learn from difficulty. While this talk should ideally happen at the end of the school year, you can still have this conversation now. (Be prepared for the fact that kids will often deny that it was that bad a year—that’s why it’s good to have the conversation while the year is still fresh in their mind, in the spring.)

Before school starts and when things are going well, sit down with your child, and say, “Look, there's something that I think would be helpful to talk about. What did you learn from what you went through last year? I'm not criticizing, but what did you learn?” And then the follow up question should be, “And what will you do differently this year?” Not what they'll say differently. “What will you do differently to stay on top of your grades,” or “What will you do differently to get along better with your classmates or with the teachers? Let’s pick one thing you can do right now from day one that will help you move in that direction.”

When kids stumble and fall, I think our goal is to always ask what they're going to do differently and what they’ve learned. When my son would fail a test, I would say, “What did you learn from this? And what are you going to do differently?” These questions talk about the future and get the child to think about what they will do to change the outcome. I looked at it this way: the test was over, and he failed it. That was the natural consequence. I didn't need to make speeches at him or blame him, because that’s not an effective way to get change. I was interested in what he was going to do so he would pass the next test.

The whole coaching and teaching role is about, “What did you learn from this, what are you going to do differently, how can I help you with those skills?” Sometimes what your child is going to do differently is do his homework at the kitchen table so somebody is there to make sure that he does it. Sometimes it's going to be studying with a friend. But you always want concrete answers to what your child's going to do differently, whenever they have a hard time and whenever they slip up.

If they don't come through with any ideas or say, “I don’t know,” you should make some suggestions and have them pick one. Certainly, you can try to reason with them. But there's nothing wrong with saying, “I want to see your homework every day till you pass the next test.” Or “I want your door open when you do the homework until you pass the next test.” It’s OK to lay that down on them so that the accountability becomes more personal. But first, you give them a chance. That way, the next time you have this talk with them, your child will know what's going on. He'll have the script, he'll know what he's supposed to say and do.

6 Things You Can Do to Get Your Kids back on Track before School Starts:

Start Waking up Early: A week before school starts, have all your kids use their alarms and wake up at the time they’ll be getting up during the school year. They should wash their face, brush their teeth and come out and have breakfast. Afterward, they can go back to sleep, start their day—whatever they normally do. What you want to get them used to is doing their hygiene at a certain time, getting dressed at a certain time and showing up in the kitchen in time to make your school bus or their ride.

Start Having an Hour of Quiet Time at Night. Have quiet time at night if you don't already have it. This will become part of their homework time. But for now, let them read a book, comics, or magazines. What they do in quiet time is not as important as the fact that there's no electronics—including cell phones and texting—during this time.

Stop Allowing Your Teen to Go out at Night During the Week: For older kids, about a week before school, they should not be able to go out at night. They have to get back into their school schedule, which means saying, “No going out to socialize after dinner, you have to stay home.” So your child will get used to being home at night. Over the summer, teen-agers tend to get more and more freedom. That's just a natural process, especially if they're older teens. What you want to do is get them to gravitate toward the home, which is one of the centers of their educational life. You go to school from home; you go to sports activities from home; you do your homework at home. In the summer, “outside the home” becomes the focus. Whether it's day camp or camping out with your friends by the lake for four days, the focus is outside of the home. This is good, but now kids need to be brought back in.

Don't be surprised if your child or teen resists this. Let’s face it, it's hard to get back on track. Picture yourself coming back from vacation, and think of how hard it can be to get back in the groove at work. You will probably hear your child make excuses like, “It's not school yet, I'm still on vacation.” That may be true, but I think you want to say to them very clearly, “You need to get back on track. And once you do these things, if you stay home after dinner, you can do what you want except for that hour of quiet time. And after you get up in the morning, you can do what you want after we meet in the kitchen. You can have breakfast, go back to bed, go hang with your friends.”

Remember, Rehearsaland Repetition prepare children for their responsibilities. Intellectualizing doesn't work. Preaching doesn't work. Philosophizing doesn't work. What works is the concrete tasks of rehearsal and repetition. That’s true for all kids—and even more so for teenagers.

Keep Track of Your Child’s Assignments: Have your child’s teacher email you his homework assignments or have him carry an assignment book back and forth, so that there's communication between you and the school. You should know exactly what your child has to do that night. And then you should set up some kind of reward system when he does it.

Consider Rewarding Your Child for Good Grades: If my son got all A's and B’s, he was rewarded with some cash. If he didn't, he didn't get punished; he just didn't get the money. We didn’t threaten him or anything; it was just a standing thing in our home. When my son didn't do well on the test, I asked him, “So what are you going to do differently next time?” That's what you have to do with underachievers. “What'd you learn from this?” They might say, “I don't know, I didn't learn anything.” And then you can say, “Well, I'd like you to learn that maybe you should've studied more. Or maybe you should've studied with a friend.” In fact, sometimes studying with another child helps your child get motivated. Nothing motivates kids like studying with other kids—nothing. In my opinion, well-managed study groups are very helpful.

Have Your Child Earn the Right to Study on His Own: You can also motivate your child to succeed by having them earn rights around the house. “When you get all B's and above, you can go to your room and do your homework. But as long as you have C's and B's, you will not study in your room. More than one C and you're down here.” It's completely dealt with that way. So in order to function more independently, your child has to achieve. He just doesn't get to go to his room and do his homework by himself—he has to be near a parent at all times.

Natural Consequences: Let me be clear: failure is a part of life. By the time kids hit their teenage years, they're sick of failure. But failure is just one of the things that they encounter all along the way, from the time they're two years old to when they're 17. Believe me, kids know when they've failed, they understand what that means. I personally believe that you have to let your child experience natural consequences. This means you should let them fail that year in school or let them fail that subject. If that still doesn't motivate them or if it adds to their lack of motivation, that's when you have to seek professional help.

Why are Smart or “Gifted” Kids Sometimes Underachievers?

Gifted is a funny word. People throw it around a lot these days, and parents cling to it because they crave it. But gifted is as gifted does. In other words, gifts are not gifts until you use them to accomplish something. There may be wonderful gifted painters in the world, but we see DaVinci's work. There may be wonderful, gifted actors, but we see DeNiro's body of work. We see people who have used their gifts and worked hard to create something. Maybe DaVinci and DeNiro were gifted, but they also worked their butts off to produce their accomplishments.

If they told me that my son was gifted, that would not be good news for me unless he was performing. If your child is doing well and they actually tell you he's gifted, great. But if he's not performing and they tell you he's gifted, they're telling you that something's wrong. What they’re telling you is, “He understands what's going on and he's making the non-constructive choice not to do it.” And that's not good news. Also, I would caution parents not to get confused by words like gifted and smart; that's how you're being misdirected. I think that when the school says your child is gifted, sometimes what they’re saying is, “We don’t want to take any responsibility. He's smart enough to do this himself.”

I believe that while sometimes we're too stingy with praise, we’re sometimes too quick to give it. Sometimes we're too quick to say “That's a great job” instead of saying, “I see you’re trying harder. That's cool.” We’re too quick to label a child gifted without giving him the right kind of help. I recommend not to give kids things as if they're completely accomplished in life. Always talk about their progress.

When you’re working with teenagers who are underachievers, it’s hard to sit down and have these conversations sometimes. Believe me, I know it is hard work to talk with teenagers. But you have to do things that are hard if you're a parent; there are no shortcuts. We need to be coaches, teachers and limit setters for our children if we want them to succeed in life. Coaching your child to do better is one of the key ways to become a more effective parent. Always remember, the goal is not to become a good parent—and it’s not even to avoid being a bad parent. Rather, the goal is to become a more effective parent. That’s not ever an easy task, but the goal is extremely worthwhile.

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Motivating Underachievers II: Get Your Unmotivated Child on Track before School Starts reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?pcode=affiliate0298&utm_medium=webaffl&utm_source=affiliate0298&dsource=sas&utm_campaign=160

Child Behavior Problem- How To Cope With Silence

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Sometimes child behavior problems manifest themselves in kids just not talking to you and giving you the silent treatment. How do you cope ? How do you react ? Here is a great article by James Lehman which gives you the way out to solve this particular child behavior problem.

Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment?
6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk

by James Lehman, MSW

Kids use the silent treatment as a way to freeze you out, to get you to leave them alone, and to push your buttons. What most parents don’t realize is that under the surface, something else is going on: the silent treatment is giving your child a feeling of power and control over you.

Here's the simple truth: when you stop responding to the silent treatment, it will die by neglect—and that’s exactly what you want.

What's behind your child’s thinking? Usually they’re angry or embarrassed. In fact, often you'll get the silent treatment when your child has done something wrong and knows it. They use the silent treatment to blackmail you emotionally. The hard part for parents is that the more you make an issue of it or act like it's painful or annoying to you, the more your child is going to use it to get to you.

I think it’s important for you to realize that if your child gives you the silent treatment, that's probably the best problem-solving skill he has at that moment. Simply put, he’s trying to deal with whatever issue is at hand by using this passive aggressive behavior. And by withholding information or thoughts, he has found a way of getting the upper hand. This type of passive aggressive behavior is very destructive in relationships later in life—and it’s definitely a pattern that you don't want to give in to and reward in your child.

The First Rule: Don't Take It Personally

I think many parents take the silent treatment personally. After all, it's designed to make you feel powerless as a parent—and parents hate that feeling. Just remember that there's more power in responding to it the right way than there is in getting into an ego struggle with your child. Avoiding getting into a fight with your child always gives you more control than engaging in it does.

Kids really do need to learn to deal with their problems appropriately and take responsibility. And as a parent, you have to let them grow up. If you keep letting the silent treatment affect you by giving in to your child so they’ll be “nice” and talk to you, then you're falling into the martyr trap. Giving in to them gives them the wrong message.

I believe that one of the lessons kids have to learn as they grow up is what their “right size” is. Your child’s right size is that he’s a human being, and not some huge giant who can control you by withholding. If he’s an adolescent, his right size is that he’s a teen struggling with things that ten million other kids are struggling with. Your role as a parent is to say, “We'll help you as much as we can, but don't take it out on us.” And if you give your kids too much power, you're missing the point—and they’re missing out on a valuable lesson.

The Second Rule: Give Your Child a Clear Message

I think it's very important that you give your child a clear message when he gives you the silent treatment. You should say, “Not responding to me is not going to solve your problem. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here.” And here's the important part: “Until then, no cell phone use.” Or, “Until we talk, no electronics.” That way, your child has a motivation to talk and to solve the problem. And you're not pressing him or pushing him. Once you make that statement, go on about your business. Don't let it be a big deal or a stumbling block. Believe me, if you don't give the behavior power, you're going to be a lot better off in the long run.

The Third Rule: Reach Out Once, Then Leave Your Child Be

I think it’s fine if you want to check in and reach out to your child if they’re still not talking to you. In our family, my wife would do that with our son, but I didn’t. I always felt that my son didn't need two of me and he didn't need two of his mother. He needed one of each of us; that was the balance that worked. Personally, I would urge you not to reach out to your child more than once after you’ve made your statement regarding his lack of communication. Going to your child and pleading with him to talk gives him too much power— and lets him know very clearly that his withholding of communication is getting to you.

By the way, if the silent treatment is a chronic problem with your child, I would suggest that you not reach out at all. Just remind him that his unwillingness to talk is not solving his problem and that you'd love to speak with him when he’s ready—and that you’ll hang onto his cell phone until he is. Try to say this with a look on your face that's pleasant. Remember, kids get a lot of your message from the look on your face. When my son was growing up, I would always try to wear an expression that said, “Everything's okay.” At the group home where I worked with behaviorally disordered kids, I never gave in to the urge to yell. I wouldn't blame or point the finger at them. I'd be just as nice as pie, no matter how frustrated I felt at times. I’d say, “All right, when you're ready, we'll talk about it. And until then, no electronics. This will give you some time to think.” And then I’d leave and let them tell me when they were ready to talk. That way, I had the control but they got to decide when they wanted to speak.

The Fourth Rule: Give Your Child Motivation to Comply

Here’s the simple truth: when you stop responding to the silent treatment, it will die by neglect—and that’s exactly what you want. Believe me, kids will get out of the habit of freezing you out if it's not rewarding. And if they want to get something back that they value, they will talk, so always give them motivation to comply.

By the way, if your child agrees to speak with you, but then starts balking, tell him, “Look, if you're not ready to sit down and talk with me, then let's not do it now. Calm down and wait till you’re ready. But until then, no electronics.” So there's some incentive for your child to comply, and you’re also giving him a choice.

Remember, our primary goal as parents is to get kids to comply. The assumption behind this statement is that you have a “good enough” family and home. “Good enough” meaning: all the child’s basic needs are being met. The parents are not abusive to their kids and they don't let their kids abuse each other. There's support for school and schoolwork, there's an interest in how the child is doing and how they're learning. If you have that kind of structure in your home, you certainly do have a right to ask your kids to comply with your rules. Some psychotherapists might not say that you have that right, but I believe you do—and if you don't get compliance, then that should be your goal. Your child doesn't have to like it, and that’s OK. Let’s face it, he's not going to like everything you do as a parent, even when you have his best interests in mind.

The Fifth Rule: Don’t Go to Your Child’s Level

I don't believe that you should ever go to your child's level when it comes to inappropriate behavior. If their best shot at trying to solve a problem is to give you the silent treatment, I don't think you should respond to their broken problem-solving skills by doing the same thing. Similarly, if your child screams at you, screaming back won't solve the problem for either of you. The idea is not to fight fire with fire, but to try something else that’s more effective.

Remember, we don't want to start fights—and when one starts, we want to get out as quickly as possible. Going to your child’s level almost always results in a fight. And you simply cannot win when you're fighting with someone who has nothing to lose. If you give your child the silent treatment in response to his lack of communication, you’re essentially engaging in a fight with him.

The Sixth Rule: Make Participation in Family Life a Requirement

Adolescents go through a stage where they develop a kind of contempt for family living—and they show it. Teens who are better-behaved will be more passive about it. Often they’ll shrug, roll their eyes and say “whatever.” They’re not really being aggressive or abusive, but they’re not engaging with you, either. If you have an adolescent who is acting that way but is still complying with the house rules, I recommend that you just leave it alone.

Now if you want everybody to come to dinner every night, then you have to make that a rule. I think it’s great if your family can do that, but many families can't manage it, and I understand: everybody's working, going to school, doing sports—it's crazy. But if you decide you want to have a sit down dinner every Sunday, for example, require your adolescent child to be there. Expect them to stay for the whole meal. Let them sit there, make faces and say “whatever.” It doesn't matter—just ignore that kind of thing. Again, you don’t want to give those little annoying behaviors power over you or your kids will use them to try to push your buttons. If the behavior becomes more obnoxious, speak with them about it privately and give consequences if they still don’t comply.

So if there's a basic family function, I'd have your child participate. If he's not respectful, I would hold him accountable for that by giving him a consequence. It's his responsibility to behave appropriately. You have the right as a parent to have him comply with that.

Here’s the bottom line: If you don't give the silent treatment any power, your child will stop using it because it doesn't get them anywhere. If you make the mistake of giving it power over you, any time your child is frustrated, angry, or upset with you—or encounters a problem they can't deal with—they'll rely on that silent treatment to get their needs met. Instead, you have to coach and teach your child by saying, “Refusing to talk to me won’t solve your problems.” The key is to motivate them to give up that broken problem-solving skill and find an appropriate one that works.

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Does Your Child Give You the Silent Treatment? 6 Rules for Getting Kids to Talk reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.